Thursday, April 12, 2007

A long post today

This is a picture of Chesterman's beach. It is by Tofino on the west coast of Vancouver Island. A beautiful place to go - I think it is a place that God created so we could go there and reflect and renew ourselves. This is the place that I go. I posted this picture for Teodo, she posted such a beautiful picture of a lake in Italy. I saved her picture and I will one day go there.

As you have been following my decision to change jobs I will tell you about this week. I have worked as a nurse at the same hospital for 16 years. The "powers that be" are changing things so much - and moving all of the medical patients from my hospital to another hospital - so although I would still be working with all the same staff we would no longer be at "our" hospital. The new hospital is the largest in BC and things are very different there. On Tuesday morning - while I was at work - I had to tell the people that I work with that I will not be working there anymore. It was so terribly hard. But I think for me it was a good decision.

Tuesday afternoon we found out that a beloved nurse on our ward had committed suicide Monday night. We are all so upset, devastated and angry. She has left behind 4 teenagers and a husband. She never even let us know how unhappy she was, although she was close to us all. I spent the day with her last Tuesday at the new hospital -- she did not like it and did not want to move -- but none of us did. I was quite happy to join in with her unhappiness about the move. Then we worked together on Wednesday - she was a bit irritable - we all were - we were short staffed and had extra work in the morning. We all pitched in and helped each other. I did some stuff for her, by afternoon things were better, she was happier - she had a party to go to after work that night with her daughter. She wanted to skip her dinner and leave a little early to get to the party. So I said that was fine - and off she went. I did not work the next day, and she worked three more shifts and no one else at work got any indication from her that she was in such despair. I wish she would have talked to us - I would have listened and told her not to do it.

I hope it is okay that I posted this - but I really needed to. Thank you for listening.

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We will be going back to Tofino in June - it will be a time to reflect and renew.


  1. How sad that she was unwilling or unable to reach out for help. Depression is a strange thing. People try to hide it from their closest friends for some reason. It seems very difficult for them to ask for help. I'm glad you have such a serene place to go for renewal and reflection.

  2. O Pam. The second photo touched me deeply, such a contemplative shot. It is sad that she felt she couldn't reach out to anyone.

  3. Pam, I am so sorry about your friend and colleague. How desperate she must have been to do something so drastic - I wonder why she hid it and didn't ask for help? Your second photo is in exactly the right space.

    Making life decisions is never easy - thoughts and prayers for you while you transition.


  4. I can see why you like Chesterman's Beach. It is quite picturesque. So peaceful! I'm sorry to read about your co-worker. I can feel your pain. One of my favorite philosophy profs once said to me "Carole some things just cannot be answered" and you know, that's how it is often. Keep well and let me know if there's anything I can do for you!

  5. Pam I'm sorry for the sad moment that you are having for your colleague and friend.

    Thanks for the pictures. I like them very much!

    Don't worry about your new job! It will be good!

    ciao ciao

  6. That is so hard for you. I had a similar experience with a close work colleague who hid a drinking problem and passed away suddenly due to it.
    We had no idea what she was dealing with.
    I understand how you feel at the moment, you keep thinking if only....
    You will be in my thoughts today.

  7. Gosh Pam, how desperately sad for you. I'm sure 'talking' about it helps. What a shame your workmate didn't feel that she could reach out to anyone. Some people just don't cope well with change.
    You're in my thoughts hon.

  8. I am so sorry for you loss. Suicide has touched my life too. A (((hugs))) for you.

  9. Oh Pam, I'm so sorry that your friend didn't feel that she could reach out to you and friends. She must have been in more pain than anyone will ever know. I could go on and on but I'll just send a huge HUG to you so, please consider yourself {{{HUGGED}}}!

    Don't ever apologize for what you put on your blog!!!

  10. I'm so sorry your beloved friend has died. It makes me both sad and angry, generally, that "the powers that be" in hospitals/politics do not understand what it takes to work on the ground...and what added pressures a change such as this can bring to people.
    It must be good to have such a special kind of holiday to look forward to. Elizabeth

  11. Oh Pam how sad that your co-worker felt the only way out was to take her own life. She must have been in a really bad state of mind but didn't show it. I feel for her and her family must be devastated.
    Thanks for sharing the pictures too.
    Keep well and a job change might be a good thing.

  12. Pam, I am so sorry for your loss. I'm sure it makes you feel just so helpless. I've learned that depression isn't something you can talk someone out of doing - it is more a chemical imbalance in the brain. There probably was nothing you could have done, but I am sure you would have liked a chance to try. It is very sad.

  13. Pam, I'm so sorry about the loss of your friend and colleague. I know no words can ease your pain and the pain of the families right now. You both are in my prayers.

  14. Suicide is such an incomprehensible thing, Pam. I'm sorry that you had this experience, this loss.

  15. I am so sorry to hear about your co-worker. I know it is hard to experience someone you know choosing that way out... Hugs to you

  16. Hi Pam, I usually follow your Dear Jane Blog and this is the first time I visit this blog. When I scroll the page and saw this post it was a shock to me. I imagine the sadness. Hugs.

  17. What a terrible thing, Pam. Perhaps the change at work was just the last straw. She must have been having problems for a while. It is very hard to talk about things like mental illness, as there is still a lot of shame involved in our communities, isn't there? I think it's getting better, but it's not good enough.